National Insecurity

Let's get this bit out of the way.

Filipinos are way too proud to be Filipino. Every single time there is good news that hits world news, we're all over it like flies to a honey pot.

Oh, so-and-so's a Filipino.

Or perhaps, oh his or her mom is Filipino.

Or worse, his nanny is Filipino.

This national pride is a manifestation of a nationwide sense of insecurity brought about by 333 years of Spanish rule, 49 under the US (4 of which under Japan). Colonial history is our history. The very reason we became a country was that we were a collection of islands colonized by Spain and collectively decided we weren't going to take their shit anymore.

And like a kid whose parents got a divorce right in the middle of adolescence, we had an identity crisis.

We want to be Western, but we're not. We eat rice a like good chunk of Asia, but we also love hamburgers and Hollywood movies.

So we latch on to celebrities. Manny Pacquiao. Lea Salonga (Google her, she's fantastic. Our real national treasure. Singing voice of Princess Jasmine and Mulan. God, I'm at it too).

Or the half-Filipino Hollywood types. Bruno Mars. Nicole Scherzinger. Vanessa Hudgens. Darren Criss. Dave Bautista/Batista. Even Rob Schneider.

And with any addition comes to the list you hear the collective groan "Why are we so proud/insecure?"

Well, from the birth of the nation, we were repeatedly reminded that we were lesser than our colonizers. At first our humanity was up for debate. Or we were uncivilized [ye gads, we eat with our hands). Or uncultured (oy vey, we eat using a spoon and fork - the proper (i.e. European way) is with a knife and fork. Well, fork you! Try eating mounds of rice with just a knife a fork!).

So yeah, I am quite insecure about being Filipino.

A friend shared with me the other day an experience she had with a Japanese friend.

She had met this Japanese lady at a Canadian party in her prefecture (she had been invited by a Canadian friend). It seemed that she made fast friends with this Japanese lady. However recently at another social event, Japanese lady found out that she wasn't really Canadian, but rather a Filipino.

Now she wonders if she's just being overly sensitive, but Japanese lady stopped responding to her messages on Facebook. Perhaps even liking her posts less frequently. Maybe there was no malice, but somehow the revelation of her nationality made her less...impressive.

I'm reminded of a couple of times last month when I tried to meet guys on dating apps. Twice this happened. I begin chatting with a guy in Japanese. At some point, I apologize if I make mistakes because I'm not really Japanese. This piques their interest. However, once the guy finds out I'm Filipino, he not only stops talking to me, but blocks me and deletes our chat history.

Twice.

Now, it's clearly not an issue of looks or race. They were interested, but only up to a certain point.

Friends have told me I shouldn't mind them. And that I don't really want guys like that.

Of course, I don't!

But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. In fact, it stings. A lot.

The sad reality is that I have my work cut out for me to prove to people that I can, and should, be considered as an equal.

Of course, at the same time, I am terribly proud. My gym bag is a Philippine flag for crying out loud.

But still it remains. From finding a dates to applying for jobs, I proceed with caution.

Will people ever consider me as good enough to be considered as an equal?

I know I am. But will they?