Losing Count of Dates and Not Losing One

It seems that it's a good sign if you lose count of how many dates you've been on...

Date Two was followed by Date Three at an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant, incidentally, we were the only non-Japanese in that small nook. Pretty nice. Date four was at a Vietnamese restaurant because we thought that we ate too much Japanese food. He wasn't in a particularly good mood that day so I tracked down this graphic novel that he was looking for. I gave to him with a note that said "Because you had a bad day and since a dozen roses wouldn't suit you." He was happy as a clam and was grinning from ear to ear.

Date five was a big one. We had lunch at a Wendy's at the mall, with me spilling my Coke on the table (gah) which exposed my klutzy side. He seemed irritated, but was gentlemanly enough to help me clean up the cola swamp on our table. We left the mall for a book expo which was crowded as hell, but fun nonetheless. After that we went to this huge new mall which almost felt a like theme park in its scope and design. We caught a movie, a romantic comedy, and about more than an hour into it, as the music turned mellow over a scene in Paris, he grabbed my hand and held onto it. -swoon- For dinner, we went back to the sushi bar we went the week before. No all-you-can-eat for us at that time, but more Japanese curry though (we both just love that stuff). I drove him home once again and I held his hand for a good length of time as we crawled through the freeway.

The next day, Sunday, was spent flirting and missing each other through phone calls and text messages and when Monday came, I was hot and bothered for him. I picked him up from the gym and had dinner at the Japanese restaurant where we had our first date. We went back to his place and I watched TV while he went to the bathroom. There I was, plopped on his beanbag, when he suddenly lunged for me. I couldn't really breathe, but I happily reciprocated his kiss. This guy was beautiful. I went home that night with a shit-eating grin on my face.

At this point let me interrupt my narrative. Chances are one would expect some sort of happy ending or least a period of contentment, but sadly that was not to be.

The following day, Kakkoii suddenly became quite grumpy. I called him up after I got home from work and he said he was busy and that he'd call me back. When he finally did the conversation went rather well but as we were saying our good nights and good byes, he suddenly said something to the effect that he really didn't want to call since calling me up would mean that he'd up until eleven.

-ouch-

That was cold.

Being the nice guy that I am, I calmly told him that it was all right and that he shouldn't have called if he felt that way.

I woke up the following day - annoyed like hell. He sent me a message apologizing for his behavior the previous night. I told him that I wasn't mad, but I didn't appreciate him making me feel like I'm some sort of intrusion into his life. He barely responded to my texts later that day. I wanted to meet up with him, but reading that he didn't want to, I made other plans.

Later that night, he sends this message to me: Funny, I was kinda expecting to see you outside the gym.

Crap. What was I supposed to say to that?

I wanted to, but the thought that you were mad at me or that you didn't want to see me stopped me.

That was all right. The following day however I waited for his call. He said that he was depressed and wanted to crawl back into his shell.

Surprise, surprise. He called his ex and needed a shoulder to cry on. Shit.

Facts I learned that night:

1. He broke up with his ex last July (we started going out August)

I could deal with this, technically they broke up already.

2. He then said they really didn't break up, they were just "cooling off."

Why doesn't he just fuck with my brain some more? Still, I could deal with this.

3. He said that he thought of me as someone who could possibly help him forget his ex.

Do I have the word martyr tattooed on my forehead? Ouch, but since I dated him with the premise that I was also trying to get over someone else, I could deal with this.

4. He said that he never really considered us dating.

THIS, I cannot deal with. There's a world of a difference between just hanging out and dating in my book. Going out, holding hands, kissing and sleeping with each other does not add up to not dating. It may not add up to a relationship just yet, but definitely not friendly.


We went out a few more times. I felt like he pushed me back to square one. Go back to GO, do not collect $200. Screwed me up like nothing else in recent memory. Little by little, things went back a little bit. There was the slight nod to us still meeting regularly and that I was still slowly becoming a part of his schedule. That was good. Not great but good.


However, dark clouds loomed over the horizon. He suddenly stopped texting warmly. He suddenly became cold and distant. When I asked him out, he simply replied: No thanks.

If that's not rejection, I don't know what it is.

I proceeded to ignore him but after a couple of days, he sent me a message. I replied, hoping that he'd be opening up. It turns out it was a set-up for more mindgames.

And then it just stopped. A month of frequent whatevers just stopped and I don't know why.

So how do I feel?

Not great, but good.

I didn't lose. And I didn't lose him either.

After all, you can't lose what you never had in the first place.